The Morgan’s

So, my appointment was on Thursday and Chris stayed home with Sophie because she was sick, so Mandy took me. We were hoping for not change, however my cervix has shortened another 1/2 a centimeter and now I need to go to the hospital twice a week to have my contractions monitored.  While I was there at the office, I was ok. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but still, ok. And then driving home I guess I was just thinking about it and wondering why I’m still having contractions and why my cervix is so short and is bedrest going to work, will I have to be admitted to the hospital, what’s going to happen with Sophie if that happens, etc…. so by the time I got home, I walked in and sat down and told Chris that I really just needed to cry for a minute So Thursday was rough for sure; all day long different fears and worries kept coming and I would just kind of shove them away and try not to think about it. Then that night, I read this quote on the girltalk blog:

And I feel like God told me that I’ve been fearing my circumstances and the “what if’s” MORE than I actually fear God and desire His will. I know and believe that His will is good and perfect, but by my worry and anxiety I’m actually saying that I think that my plan is better. If I truly do BELIEVE that God is sovereign and BELIEVE that His will is perfect, than how could I be fearful?

   I want to be careful not to “waste my bedrest” (to steal a line from John Piper) and I think that I have been so far. With each contraction I pray and plead and ask God to keep Thomas in until He’s full term, or 35 weeks and try to shove away scenarios of of going to the hospital or my water breaking… instead of reminding myself with each pain and contraction that God’s timing is perfect and if Thomas is born today, then that’s God’s will and that’s WHAT I WANT. Not that it’s wrong to pray and ask God and submit the desire of a full term delivery to him, but I feel like in doing that, I’ve been clinging to it instead of surrendering it to Him and really truly fearing Him more than I do my thoughts. Instead walking through each day wondering fearfully if “today’s the day” and counting down the days and finding my reassurance as I check off the weeks, I desire to walk through this time with joy. My focus has not been bringing God glory through this; it’s been about what I want and please, God, make it happen! If I fear the Lord and desire His will above all else, I can be joyful each day as the contractions come and go and I can walk into the Winnie Palmer Triage when the time comes and not be fearful! I’ve said many times that I just want to be excited the next time we go to the hospital… well, I can be. Whether it’s tonight or 6 weeks from now, I can have joy knowing that this is the day that God has ordained and planned for Thomas to come into the world and it’s not scary, because God’s plan is the BEST POSSIBLE plan for me, for Chris, for Sophie and for Thomas. Ultimately, God must receive the glory!